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It’s not necessarily bad, but…

By Sora, member

Aug 13, 2008: To be honest, I liked the opening paragraphs and they really brought me into the story, however . . . it kind of fell apart for me when the character started talking (even if it was under her breath). It seemed like she was trying to be witty in her speech and mannerisms, but there was something about the way she acted that made her unlikeable for me. She seemed a little bit too into herself to identify with. Things like this "I am so pleased by that thought that I applaud (my) own cleverness" flirt dangerously close between sarcasm and arrogance, almost blending together to the point that it’s hard to read the lines and figure out the tone of the story and the characterization of the main character. She could be likable if the subtext and tone were there.

I typically don’t read the first five chapters, but instead I skip and hop around looking for something that I can sink my teeth into. In the world of web novels, it’s possible to do that. I know I’m a bad reader, but when a premise sounds interesting, but doesn’t deliver in the first couple chapters, I start looking for something redeemable in the later chapters and just start from there. Eventually the story evens itself out and everything makes sense. It seems like the story does get more interesting, although in the later chapters it a bit more dialogue driven more or so than anything.

The story has potential. All it needs is a some focus and some hardcore editing. Possibly some character cuts because it’s hard to figure out who is who and what role they play in the story. I recommend that the author find a beta who can help strengthen the piece and tighten the prose.

Is it a bad story? Not at all. Like I said the story has potential and it’s definitely not the worst story I’ve read. This sort of falls in the middle of the spectrum. It’s not as good as some stories, but it’s definitely better than a lot of stories I’ve read.

Do I like it? I like it well enough.

Could I read it every day? I might just pop in every once in a while and see how the characters are doing.

My overall rating is a 2.5. If the author could find a dedicated beta and tighten the prose and punctuation, the rating will most likely be higher in the future.

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