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Nice try, needs work

By Nina Santucci, author of Fooled

Jan 2, 2015: I started perusing this story since it was a new entry, although it did not really do a very good job of grabbing me. I read over the first three entries, and felt it was too much telling, not enough showing. There was hardly any dialogue in the portion of the story I read. I see what the author was trying to do, because they did throw the reader into the action right away, but this needs to be accomplished in a way other than exposition – save the prologues for fairytales, not action stories!

The author actually has a talent for description, because I can see everything they are describing (even if some of it is a bit juvenile, and overly focused on urine and vomit). I thought the alternating bold and regular text was also a useful way of differentiating between the two consciousnesses.

However, those strengths are not enough to keep me reading the story. The author needs to have the confidence to branch out into dialogue, and know the reader will be able to keep up without the information from the narrator. Maybe the premise will hook another more dedicated reader and keep them turning the virtual "page," but it did not succeed in my case.

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