Jan 31, 2012: There is a good bit of humor here and the story is written in an informal style, but it doesn’t grab my interest.
Especially with something like web fiction a writer needs a good hook early that grabs the audience early. It could be a mystery, a compelling character or some sort of mission or goal. This story lacks such a hook. With a story like this, a sort of coming-of-age, comedy/drama, a strong goal/ambition/dream would work well. For example, if this were a raunchy teen comedy, the goal of the protagonist in the prologue would probably be to lose his virginity at the end of prom night, or something like that (though something different might be appropriate for this story). Such a goal/ambition/dream might also make the narrator more likable. The narrator comes off as drifting and aimless, which makes the story episodic, and gives the reader less interest in continuing.
The writer might also try to introduce and develop a consistent cast of subsidiary characters that the reader can really get to know. From what I read here, minor characters seem to pop up and disappear all the time, and we don’t get to know them
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