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Great Potential… Lacking in Direction

By Scott Scherr, author of Don't Feed The Dark

Nov 22, 2016: From the twenty chapters currently available, The Comatose Girl primarily centers around an almost omnipotent young girl named Daisy, and her caretaker, Dr. Travis Stein, who is charged with understanding this extraordinary girl’s abilities. The story begins in an underground government operated facility where the powers-to-be strive to ‘weaponize’ Daisy while Dr. Stein sympathizes with her desire not to harm anyone.

What I’ve enjoyed about this story so far is the developing relationship between Stein and Daisy as her character fluctuates between an advanced maturity for her age brought on by her remarkable experiences, and adolescent tantrums. Some other strong points include an abundance of engaging dialogue, unexpected moments of humor, and Daisy’s intriguing demonstrations of what she is capable of as I’m left to ponder the ramifications. On the up side, The Comatose Girl is loaded with great story potential should the author have the perseverance to tap into it.

On the critical side, this work needs quite a bit of editing. Also, as much as I appreciate dialogue, this story suffers from a lack of narrative at key points in the story, especially during the many multiple scene changes that come off as abrupt and confusing. There are additional characters introduced that feel very undeveloped, serving only to strengthen Stein’s character and lacking their own purpose. There are some plot inconsistencies and the overall story so far comes off as very underwhelming in light of this story’s potential. I felt the first half was much stronger than the second half, especially after the focus shifted toward the facility security force. I believe the author would benefit in taking a step back and working on a general plot line to give this story some sense of direction that I feel it lacks presently.

Again, great potential here, but this needs a bit of reworking to bring out that potential.

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