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TOMORROW GIRL IN BISMARCK

Surreal Is No Excuse (If It Even Is)

By Rhodeworks, author of Not All Heroes

Jun 11, 2018: [Complete review as of 12/6/18]

IN SHORT: A somewhat unique twist on a fairly standard idea that is thoroughly letdown by issues with grammar, spelling, a surplus of lazy adverbs, a lack of any attempt to describe anything or create a sense of drama, and some significant structural issues.

IN DEPTH:

It was the other reviews of this work that convinced me to take a look at it and, in many ways I feel they set my expectations too high (telling Wildbow to stand up and take notice is certainly going to create a certain impression).

While not a terribly unique premise in the age of LitRPGs and VRMMOs—what if someone from one world ended up in another—Tomorrow Girl in Bismarck seemed like it had an interesting take on it (the someone is a superhero from a very comic booky world, and the other world is seemingly our own). There could be a lot of potential there, if the author truly embraced the disconnect between the two settings.

Unfortunately, any hook the concept provides is dulled by how lazy the prose feels. I’m not sure where the praise for ‘high concept’ or ‘Lynchian influence’ is coming from. Because this story is not high concept, and I have severe doubts as to whether the supposedly surreal writing is truly intentional as opposed to clumsy and incoherent. If any author is aiming for a high concept, surreal story, they need to demonstrate their ability to do so. It’s the old adage about following rules before you break them.

Tomorrow Girl does not do that. What’s worse, is that it doesn’t seem concerned at all with its initial hook and description.

From a technical perspective, the story is messy.

For example, there are over one hundred lines of dialogue in the first chapter. Approximately ninety of them use the word ‘said’ to describe how a character is speaking. The rest do not use tags. Effectively, every single line is ‘said’. It’s a bit strange given that the first chapter covers a range of characters across a range of situations, some of them quite apocalyptic or incredible. Having read all ten chapters available, I still don’t recall seeing anything but ‘said’, not even an ‘asked’, throughout the entire story.

(There were two lines with ‘thought’ in Chapter 1, but it’s unclear if the character is thinking (it’s rendered in quotation marks like dialogue) or if he’s thinking aloud)

The author abuses adverbs to an extent that it is somewhat astounding, and typically as a way around describing anything. This gives the feeling of not reading a story as much as reading a story summary. There’s very little storytelling, very little attempt to bring the author into the text, to illustrate the world and/or illuminate the thoughts and feelings of the cast. There’s a distinct lack of detail, unless it is dolled out with an adverb (perhaps the least-detailed way of describing anything).

Additionally, a heap of the adverbs are redundant to a pretty severe degree (a character glares angrily—well, how else do people glare? Another character ‘speaks in language’—well, of course he does). This ‘Well, of course’ thought was my ever-present companion throughout the text.

Character relationships in the first chapter are unclear, and it seems like it was written with two different ideas as to the relationship between Tomorrow Girl and Tomorrow Man. Later chapters, where exposition is thrown at the reader about the time they spent together, only muddles the water further. The story doesn’t spend nearly enough time illustrating the relationship between Girl and Man, and certainly doesn’t utilize the time it does spend in an efficient fashion.

There are misspellings, grammatical issues (ellipses, especially), and awkward phrases to the extent that seem to indicate there was little, if any, proof-reading or editing. In fact, there is a spelling error in the tagline above this review!

Dialogue tags are missing or incomplete (and, in a few cases, every line from one character is given ‘said [character]) and there are some truly odd misspellings (achene for acne comes to mind). The first and second chapters are rough, but the quality only seems to get worse.

There is, however, an authorial voice that is more distinct than most web fictions, even if it feels like it’s fairly blindly aping a third-person omniscient ‘British narrator’ sort of wryness. There are points—albeit rare and fleeting as they are—where I get a firm idea of what the author is hoping for (for example, when a character is working desperately on a painting in Chapter 6) but this is ultimately a story where the attempts at being wry or clever just hamstring the prose.

On the other hand, Chapter 6 is where this line appears: "North hair on that was only on the sides of head grey already Dakota gentleman."

That’s not surreal. It’s about two steps removed from a Markov chain. Surreal fiction evokes a specific dream-like quality. It is not an excuse for that level of prose.

The plot has severe problems. I found myself frequently scrolling up and even going back a chapter to see if I had missed something to make the story make sense. There were many, many points where I was actually shaking my head, trying to make sense of what’s in front of me. Sometimes even basic tense twists awkwardly mid-sentence. For example: "She should hug her! This is great. So, she didn’t hug her, but she really wanted to."

This is one of the few stories where three stars feels unfair, particularly to other stories I’d award with that rating. Is Tomorrow Girl worth a look? I don’t know. I’m leaning towards no, unless you’re prepared to overlook a vast array of basic, amateur problems and an inconsistent update schedule. This story is riddled with issues from the surface level to the underlying structure. 2/5, and part of me thinks that is generous.

3 of 6 members found this review helpful.
Help us improve!  Register or log in to rate this review.

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the_author() rating onrating onrating offrating offrating off

TOMORROW GIRL IN BISMARCK

Surreal Is No Excuse (If It Even Is)

By Rhodeworks, author of Not All Heroes

Jun 11, 2018: [Complete review as of 12/6/18]

IN SHORT: A somewhat unique twist on a fairly standard idea that is thoroughly letdown by issues with grammar, spelling, a surplus of lazy adverbs, a lack of any attempt to describe anything or create a sense of drama, and some significant structural issues.

IN DEPTH:

It was the other reviews of this work that convinced me to take a look at it and, in many ways I feel they set my expectations too high (telling Wildbow to stand up and take notice is certainly going to create a certain impression).

While not a terribly unique premise in the age of LitRPGs and VRMMOs—what if someone from one world ended up in another—Tomorrow Girl in Bismarck seemed like it had an interesting take on it (the someone is a superhero from a very comic booky world, and the other world is seemingly our own). There could be a lot of potential there, if the author truly embraced the disconnect between the two settings.

Unfortunately, any hook the concept provides is dulled by how lazy the prose feels. I’m not sure where the praise for ‘high concept’ or ‘Lynchian influence’ is coming from. Because this story is not high concept, and I have severe doubts as to whether the supposedly surreal writing is truly intentional as opposed to clumsy and incoherent. If any author is aiming for a high concept, surreal story, they need to demonstrate their ability to do so. It’s the old adage about following rules before you break them.

Tomorrow Girl does not do that. What’s worse, is that it doesn’t seem concerned at all with its initial hook and description.

From a technical perspective, the story is messy.

For example, there are over one hundred lines of dialogue in the first chapter. Approximately ninety of them use the word ‘said’ to describe how a character is speaking. The rest do not use tags. Effectively, every single line is ‘said’. It’s a bit strange given that the first chapter covers a range of characters across a range of situations, some of them quite apocalyptic or incredible. Having read all ten chapters available, I still don’t recall seeing anything but ‘said’, not even an ‘asked’, throughout the entire story.

(There were two lines with ‘thought’ in Chapter 1, but it’s unclear if the character is thinking (it’s rendered in quotation marks like dialogue) or if he’s thinking aloud)

The author abuses adverbs to an extent that it is somewhat astounding, and typically as a way around describing anything. This gives the feeling of not reading a story as much as reading a story summary. There’s very little storytelling, very little attempt to bring the author into the text, to illustrate the world and/or illuminate the thoughts and feelings of the cast. There’s a distinct lack of detail, unless it is dolled out with an adverb (perhaps the least-detailed way of describing anything).

Additionally, a heap of the adverbs are redundant to a pretty severe degree (a character glares angrily—well, how else do people glare? Another character ‘speaks in language’—well, of course he does). This ‘Well, of course’ thought was my ever-present companion throughout the text.

Character relationships in the first chapter are unclear, and it seems like it was written with two different ideas as to the relationship between Tomorrow Girl and Tomorrow Man. Later chapters, where exposition is thrown at the reader about the time they spent together, only muddles the water further. The story doesn’t spend nearly enough time illustrating the relationship between Girl and Man, and certainly doesn’t utilize the time it does spend in an efficient fashion.

There are misspellings, grammatical issues (ellipses, especially), and awkward phrases to the extent that seem to indicate there was little, if any, proof-reading or editing. In fact, there is a spelling error in the tagline above this review!

Dialogue tags are missing or incomplete (and, in a few cases, every line from one character is given ‘said [character]) and there are some truly odd misspellings (achene for acne comes to mind). The first and second chapters are rough, but the quality only seems to get worse.

There is, however, an authorial voice that is more distinct than most web fictions, even if it feels like it’s fairly blindly aping a third-person omniscient ‘British narrator’ sort of wryness. There are points—albeit rare and fleeting as they are—where I get a firm idea of what the author is hoping for (for example, when a character is working desperately on a painting in Chapter 6) but this is ultimately a story where the attempts at being wry or clever just hamstring the prose.

On the other hand, Chapter 6 is where this line appears: "North hair on that was only on the sides of head grey already Dakota gentleman."

That’s not surreal. It’s about two steps removed from a Markov chain. Surreal fiction evokes a specific dream-like quality. It is not an excuse for that level of prose.

The plot has severe problems. I found myself frequently scrolling up and even going back a chapter to see if I had missed something to make the story make sense. There were many, many points where I was actually shaking my head, trying to make sense of what’s in front of me. Sometimes even basic tense twists awkwardly mid-sentence. For example: "She should hug her! This is great. So, she didn’t hug her, but she really wanted to."

This is one of the few stories where three stars feels unfair, particularly to other stories I’d award with that rating. Is Tomorrow Girl worth a look? I don’t know. I’m leaning towards no, unless you’re prepared to overlook a vast array of basic, amateur problems and an inconsistent update schedule. This story is riddled with issues from the surface level to the underlying structure. 2/5, and part of me thinks that is generous.

3 of 6 members found this review helpful.
Help us improve!  Register or log in to rate this review.

next »