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Denham’s Dentifrice by Phineas Clockword

Tales from the Gallery of All 

Phineas Clockword’s uncyclopedic Denham’s Dentifrice aiming to answer overly specific questions.

What does a vending machine think? What did the late botanist’s nephew inherit? Is there a demon named Jonathan? Who is the Holy Llama President? What is an unbison? How many pillows did I stuff using my belly-button fluff?

Are there more nifty questions? Yes.

Do they have excellent answers? Only the ones that do.

Catapult him a postal frog with your piece of mind, if you think so. He will put it inside a sock-puppet and give it a name.

Note: Denham’s Dentifrice contains some graphic sexual content, graphic violence, and harsh language.

A growing collection of stories, updated sporadically

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Listed: Apr 26, 2017


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Web Fiction Sketch Comedy

By revfitz, author of Existential Terror and Breakfast

Jun 24, 2017: Denham’s Dentrifice is totally anachronistic and overly silly. The constant irreverent humor is either a product of stubborn integrity or of a particularly productive form of madness. If these things sounded more like a warning to you than odd praise, turn back now! There is nothing here for you. If, however, the idea of Monty Python’s Flying Circus put to pen and prose sounds appealing, god’s speed, you just found your new home.

Denham’s Dentrifice is written by Phineas Clockword, and honestly the title and the author’s name should tell you everything you need to know about the sense of humor in store for you. The website is not a single serial or concept (outside of the very silly humor shared throughout), but instead is a collection of short stories. As of this writing I have read “Goatlegs”, “The Intermediates”, “The Blooms of Perennial Wisdom”, and “Of Wood, Voodooand Llama”. For the purpose of this review I will be focusing on Phineas Clockword’s prose and writing style instead of any one story.

Phineas Clockword’s writing style often flirts with purple prose. This is done entirely tongue-in-check, however, and the effect is often comical. The styling is often reminiscent of late nineteenth century literature, and, depending on the story, can be either very tight and minimalist, or extraordinarily verbose and meandering. It is hard to get grounded when reading these short stories, as the writing can be very anachronistic and can feel confusing. The author does not allow for any kind of footing on the readers part until a punchline is delivered, which I found to be immensely clever. The punchlines then become revelatory, the reader not only gets the satisfaction of a completed joke, but they also gain a sense of clarity about the story that feels earned. Making “the twist” in his stories,(where the reader’s expectations are turned on their heads) the punchline is a strategy that is well executed and it is one that I admire.

Not every joke lands, and though my opinion on what I have read is mostly positive I do have some criticisms. The style of writing can be too confusing at times, and sometimes the style does more than flirt with purple prose. Though most of the time I found the nineteenth century like musings to be pleasant, it does act as an occasional stop gap and reader flow was sometimes hard to obtain. Updating is sporadic, with nothing posted this month as of this writing. This is a small objection as it only annoys me because I find myself thirsty for more, but it is still worth noting.

Though I know better, it is very hard for me to imagine these short stories written on anything other than an old Underwood typewriter next to a rubber duck that is somehow NECESSARY to the process. Phineas Clockwood has worked very hard to create a sense of silliness that is as witty as it is obligatory. This sort of things vibes very well for me, but I can easily see it being off putting to others. I do not suggest binge reading Denham’s Dentrifice (that might actually be bad for one’s sanity) but the site is perfect for a quick stop a day.

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